Wednesday, 2 January 2019
The Small Miracle of Strength
"You are strong."
"You'll be fine."
"Look at all the other hard things you've been through."
Over the last two years, as I struggled through the emotional roller coaster of separation, I heard these words. So many responses coursed through my brain. I am many things, but not strong.
Is it strong when your situation is thrust upon you? I didn't climb a mountain or win a medal. I put one foot in front of the other. Some might consider that strong, but I felt like I had no choice.
I'm told there is always a choice, and I guess that's true, but I couldn't drop out of life. I have to work and make a living. Even working full-time, money was tight, so curling up in bed wasn't a choice I felt I could make.
Strong? Did you see me hide in the bathroom and cry? Sit at my laptop and claim my allergies were bothering me? Bury my face in my dog's fur? Stay home from church for weeks because I couldn't face people? Quake in the lawyer's office? Feel my insides twisting into mush while smiling and dealing with issues at work? Strong?
I know your words are meant to encourage me, to build me up, to help me believe I can come through. The truth is, they invalidate my pain. It's as if you are metaphorically punching my arm and telling me to stand straighter and deal with my situation because I am strong.
I. Am. Not. Strong.
I value courage, and in the past few years, God has been drawing me from a tiny, shrinking life, where fear influenced every decision and I made only safe and easy choices. He showed me the person fear was turning me into, and it shocked me enough to ask Him to help me change. One Sunday in church, the pastor was talking about the new name God gave many of His servants when they chose to follow Him. Abram became Abraham. Jacob became Israel. My friend leaned over and said,
"Your new name is Courage,"
I took faltering steps toward courage. I fell. I turned back and embraced fear. I took a step, rejoiced and fell again. I moved forward by painful inches. You would think that each victory would make the next step easier, but it didn't. Even today, I struggle.
God doesn't tell me I'm strong. He knows me too well for that. He tells me to be strong.
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 NIV God offers me His strength, which is an unfathomable resource. He takes my quavering efforts and says He will be with me. Holds me. Picks me up if I fall and grabs my shirt if I try to run away. He never gives up on me. Never.
Because of that, I can be strong, even if I'm not strong.
We bring all of our baggage into this new year. We bring who we are, for better or for worse. We don't know what this new year holds. But you, like me, can be strong.
Listen to what He is saying to you:
"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10 NIV
Be strong, my friend.
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The Small Miracle of Strength